Long overdue... The big catch-up!...

It has been the longest time since I posted anything, so I have much to catch up on... This is a little lengthy, so I apologise in advance…

From our last IUI in 2011, I will fast forward and update you in a nutshell and as time goes on come back to some of my life experiences to revisit, ponder and share some detail...

I was devastated and heartbroken and worn out after our experience with the IUI and we decided to put it on hold as we went on our Christmas holiday in December 2011. After much prayer and very serious discussions, my dear Hubby and I decided that we would hole heartedly pursue a second adoption, as this was our first choice anyway. We felt God putting adoption heavily on our hearts, giving us complete peace that this was indeed what He wanted for us.

With full trust in the Lord, God then took us on an incredible journey where He literally took us by the hand and guided us through a maze of choices, crazy “random” events, bizarre circumstances and the miracle that I want to share with you on our whirlwind experience to bring home our second son in April 2012. I will post more on this miracle story later and maybe share the miracle of our first adoption at some point as well.

Now at this present time, our firstborn is fast approaching his 4th birthday in July and growing up and thriving and I get teary when I think of the love I have for my precious boy. I cannot explain it any other way than to say that God truly knows what He is doing! Our son is loving and kind and polite and has such a wit about him. People love him wherever we go and I am always proud of him. He has a beautiful and very special sensitivity to the emotional needs of others and often pray for people. Don’t get me wrong, he is also strong-willed and very feisty at times, but I know that even these qualities are all in God’s perfect plan for him.

Our beautiful baby is ever so sweet. He is also cute, funny and very silly at times. His personality is coming out beautifully and is showing signs of great intelligence. As he has turned 1 on Christmas day, he is fast approaching the time where he will begin to speak more, but believe me, he knows very well to communicate to his hearts desire. He loves helping with anything he can master and loves pleasing us. He is always in a hurry and runs everywhere.

The bond he has with all of us amazes me and when I see how our two boys love each other and us I smile with a heart overflowing with gratitude for our Blessings…

A brief background on our ethnicity: Our family is a beautiful mixture of different heritages. To briefly put you in the picture:

Hubby is pure blood English with the big possibility of some royalty somewhere up

Myself is a mixture of the following: Paternally - German, Russian, Polish and French mix & Maternally - Scottish and some unknown extra mix

Our firstborn: Arabic and general Caucasian mix

Our baby: Khoisan, general Caucasian mix and quite possibly some unknown extra

It is a rough description of where we all come from, but as you know, being a true South African family, this is more the norm than most are willing to admit... and we LOVE it!

We are still every day adjusting to our ever changing “life as we know it” and have overcome much and will overcome more. Holding onto our loving God's Hand very tightly as we face each new day.

And we are Blessed because He lives!

Grace...

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -- not by works, so that no one can boast.

—Ephesians 2:8-9

Forgiveness....

I don't know why I chose this title... Maybe it is something that I have hidden very deep in my inner deepest corner of my heart.

Maybe it is something I still have to work on some more. Something that lies so very deep within me that I am not consciously aware of it...

God says clearly that we must forgive.

We cannot be forgiven unless we forgive. Sjoe! Tuff one!

I battle with the raw honesty needed for this one. To be this honest with oneself is very very hard. Am I really a forgiving person? Do I really really forgive everyone that have ever hurt or disappointed or betrayed me? Do I?...

What I came up with when I Googled the word “F O R G I V E N E S S” is….

for·give·ness/fərˈgivnis/

Noun: The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven

Synonyms: pardon - remission - condonation - absolution – mercy

 

Web definitions

o        compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive

o        the act of excusing a mistake or offence

wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

o        (forgive) stop blaming or grant forgiveness; "I forgave him his infidelity"; "She cannot forgive him for forgetting her birthday"

o        (forgive) absolve from payment; "I forgive you your debt"

wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

o        Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offence, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. ...

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness

o        The action of forgiving; Readiness to forgive

en.wiktionary.org/wiki/forgiveness

o        (forgive) To pardon, to waive any negative feeling or desire for punishment; To accord forgiveness

en.wiktionary.org/wiki/forgive

o        (Forgive) To give up resentment against or stop being angry with; pardon or overlook sins, crimes, wrongdoing, offences, etc.; give up all claim to punish or exact revenge; cancel or remit a debt.

holierthanthou.info/glossary/f.html

o        (FORGIVE) Giving up the right for revenge.

www.kidtrek-sundayplus.org/2011/05/20/child-discipleship-salv…

o        (Forgive) apheimi (G) – To send forth. – The word picture is to use the bathroom.

www.dpsml.org/

o        (Forgive) generally means to give up your right of revenge & desire to extract punishment for the offence...quit counting a "wrong" against the wrongdoer. But, know this spiritually:

www.theeffectivetruth.info/dictionary.html

o        (forgive (sins)) (1) EXCUSE. For an animated gif of this sign, see Animated dictionary of religious signs - Deaf Missions: Forgive. (2) EXCUSE is signed the normal way for the person's hand dominance and then the sign is executed as if the person had the opposite hand dominance + FINISH. ...

theinterpretersfriend.org/tech/vocab/f.html

o        (forgive) Pardon, to cancel a debt.

www.godonthe.net/dictionary/f.html

o        How kind the club is to you when you hit it off-centre ...

golfclubseurope.com/golfglossary.php

o        The willingness to stop blaming or being angry with someone

www.ethics.org/resource/definitions-values

o        no longer being upset with someone because of what he or she did

www.creducation.org/cre/lo/glossary/

o        Being forgiving is giving someone another chance after they have done something wrong. Everyone makes mistakes. Instead of revenge, make amends. Forgive yourself too. Instead of feeling hopeless after a mistake, decide to act differently, and have faith that you can change.

www.virtuesproject.com/virtuesdef.html

o        Pardon or cancellation. There are a growing number of programs that forgive, repay, or cancel the education loans of students who enter in-demand or public-service professions such as teaching, healthcare, and social work. [Back to Top]

www.usnews.com/education/articles/2008/07/24/financial-aid-gl…

o        God will forgive a person's sin(s) through his mercy because of the salvation made possible by Jesus' act of atonement. Doctrinally, forgiveness happens through communion for the sins of one's life and through baptism for original sin.

uwacadweb.uwyo.edu/religionet/er/christ/cglossry.htm

o        Letting off the hook those whose pathology I’m still hooked into.

www.iraresoul.com/hypocrisy.html

 

I read and read some more. There is much to be read and much to be pondered on.

 

Honestly, I know that I have to trust the Lord and continuously “Put in in the River of Mercy”.  I have to give every memory and thought back to God and repeatedly say out load that “I am forgiven and washed of my sins through the Blood of Christ Jesus.”  I have to rebuke satan in the Name of Jesus Christ and refuse to be drawn in to the memory-pit of darkness which leads absolutely nowhere but straight to hell.

 

There is a lot more to say about this topic, but I’ll leave the rest blank for now as I think that this is a personal journey and one that you can only walk with the Lord.

 

 

We tried…

We had the 2^nd IUI of our third month of trying on the 25^th of November.

On day 26 of my cycle, I did a home-test.

It was negative... But still the vaguest of hope, like the tiniest spec of light that dims and flashes in and out of focus in the furthest distance...

Day 30 my new cycle started and I had certainty.

The emotions that I went through are hard to explain to someone who has never gone through something like this. Only a few friends knew what we were busy trying to do and from the few that knew only a couple truly understood.

I am so Blessed with such an amazing support network. Truly a prayer answered, as not so long ago I was all alone and very isolated. With no one else to lean on, except for God and my hubby.

The turmoil and mental, emotional and physical strain was too much and I felt sincerely certain about not putting my self and my family through this again. If this is something we need to pursue at a later time, then I belief that God will grow this desire again in our hearts.

I have peace about this.

On our return from our holiday over the Festive Season, we got an e-mail from our SW. She had sent in the beginning of December to my old e-mail address. I replied promptly (almost a month after she had sent it), but this time she was still on leave. After a bit more than a further week, she sent us word that I must give her a ring. After a further delay on my side again this time, I called her first thing this morning (the 20th of January) and went to see her about an hour later.

Oh my! What a meeting!

Thank you Lord for preparing my way. Our God is so faithful and true. My little boy and I prayed this morning before I went to see her and I prayed some more on my way. I had peace when I arrived and felt the presence of the Lord as I sat down in her office. God was with us.

*******Again I say unto you, that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father, which is in heaven.   - Matthew 18:19
*******And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.               - Matthew 21:22
*******And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent? Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?           - Luke 11:9-13
*******And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.                           - John 14:13-14

I handed our updated profile back to her. I am very proud of all the hard work and care that went into it. It looks really good and I trust that whomever holds this album will get a true sense of who we are and of our hearts.

Our SW also answered a lot of my questions and put my mind at ease over things that were honestly eating away at me on such a deep level.

She gave me her word that she doesn’t discriminate against the fact that we were already Blessed with our boy and that she does meet with more mature birth-mums who prefers “older” parents and “already parents” for their unborn child’s placement.

She also doesn’t share the views of her business partner that “a birth parent will always be the parent of their child and that we as adoptive parents only have the privilege to raise these kids on their behalf as we were chosen by them to do so”. On the contrary, she agrees that our boy is just that, OUR BOY. She feels very strongly that giving birth doesn’t make you a mother, but that mothering does.

She truly has the best interest of the child in question at heart, more so than that of the birth- and adoptive parents.

She will make sure that there are very clear boundaries in place with our next adoption and that we will feel completely comfortable with the arrangements made between us and the birth family. We will be respected for choosing a closed adoption. We will also be able to put any other social worker in touch with her if we ever get contacted as a home that is considered for a placement from elsewhere. She will fully co-operate.

I have peace. Thank you Jesus!

God is in control and God is with us ALL the time…

Now we wait some more, but this time with peace.

So we try again…

One more chance and yet another month….

I just came back from my doctor’s appointment and I feel so sad.

IUI number 4.

Month 1 we did 1

Month 2 we did 2

Month 3 we did the 1^st of 2 (the 2^nd will be done tomorrow)

I feel irritable. I feel frustrated. I feel violated. It is really NOT nice to lie there.

(Please know that I could not have asked for a better doctor, more kind and polite and gentle I doubt exists, so it is definitely NOT him, it is me…)

I am cross with the situation. I pray and trust the Lord, but I still feel the way that I feel.

On top of all that I am going through physically and emotionally with the hormone treatments and blood tests and doctors appointments, I did some phoning around for adoptions yesterday and the prospects are looking grim to say the least.

Apparently our system works in such a way that parents without children get preference over parents with children. So a second placement is highly unlikely.

This is for white children. Newborns and Toddlers alike.

The 2 best options for us would be to either just “spread the word” that we are “in the market” and pray and hope that by word of mouth somebody will get to hear of us and choose to place with us. The second option would be to take a child “at risk” through foster care and hope and pray that it will result in a successful adoption at the end of the day without parent “showing up to fetch their child” after a period of time.

So I decided:

I am “putting the word out there”, we are definitely “in the market” to adopt. Boy or girl, birth up to 3years old.

I am also doing my last IUI this month. The way I feel now is that I do not want to go through this again. If it happens, it happens. Great and thank the Lord for it then, but if it doesn’t, so be it. If my heart needs to change and we decide to carry on doing the IUI’s, then we will know that only God worked His Wonders to change my heart.

My heart lies with adoption and the thought that we might not be able to adopt again with us having a son already makes it almost too hard to bear. I think that the possibility to adopt again with already one adoption and a possible bio-child, would be near impossible with the way things currently stand in the adoption world and who gets preference and who doesn’t. So ONLY GOD HIMSELF will have to guide the situation.

My Prayer:

Dear God Almighty, Creator of the Heavens and the Earth. I come to you in the precious Name of Jesus Christ and I pray that Your Will be done. You know my heart Father and you know the heart of my husband. You know the plans that You have for us and You know the system in this country.

I pray that Your Will be done and that Your perfect Plan will unfold. Please protect us from the enemy and his plans to bring obstacles and heart ache. Open the doors You want open and close the ones You want closed.

Protect my body and Bless our attempt to conceive, and if it is Your Will for a baby to be born to us this way, then please let it be so.

I pray for our adoption Lord. Please bring us to our child and our child to us. Lead us every step of the way in this journey. Change hearts where it need to be changed.

I pray all this in the Name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour.

I am hurting... and a Quote for the Day....

Today I am hurting... 

To get private (in a nutshell):
Another month of  "not pregnant".
Another month wasted.
Another month older for both myself and Hubs.
Another disappointment.
Another series of bruises on my arms where needles were digging and stabbing.
Another wasted appointment with the doctor.
Another month to feel the emptiness inside which I cannot adequately explain - our family is not yet complete!
Another failed attempt to explain to our little boy why his brother or sister is not yet coming home.
Another attempt to update our profile for the SW.
Another attempt to find favour with both the SW and a possible birth-mum.
Another month of tears.
Another month of prayers.
Another month of hope.
Another month of faith.

Our child is out there and we want our angel home.

I do not want to be probed with needles and put on a table like a science project. All this when I FEEL that our child is already out there somewhere. It doesn't matter to me that he or she might not be of my flesh and genes, this child is of my HEART and that is all that matter in the end anyway.

My heart shouts ADOPTION! It always has. I am more sure of this than I have ever been that God has placed a specific desire into my soul and I FEEL that He already has our next child in mind....

I just need to know how to deal with these emotions and the haste that I feel to have my babe in my arms….

I look at the beautiful little angel son the Lord has Blessed us with, and I know that he also longs for his sibling. He hugs us and loves us with all of his being, but looks at his friends’ brothers and sisters with the most intense longing, like he also knows in his heart of hearts that our family is not yet complete.

I am hurting, but I try to be brave.

I am hurting badly, but I try to be patient.

I am shattered at the sadness in my dearest darling husband's voice when he shares his longing and disappointment.

Please Lord! Hear our prayer....

Bring the child or children you want to be part of our family into our lives. Part the sea if you have to! But Lord, please, bring them home…. 


I found this quote the other day and it shook my foundations a little.... 

It reads:
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  - Joseph Campbell

How powerful is that!?!...

Can we do it?..... Can I do it?.... I have such a specific preconceived idea and expectation of what I want for my life and see so clearly for my future, but is my picture really God's picture?... I pondered and prayed.

I think that I have come up with a conclusion that God has placed very specific desires into our hearts and even thought the how and the when and the where might vary, the zest of it remains the same.

New beginnings of HOPE...

In these hard and dark times that we're all experiencing, it is sometimes so very hard to have hope.

I mean, just look around us... Fraud, injustice, crime... reversed discrimination... the forever victim mentality and justification of unlawful acts... poverty... look at the news on TV, in newspapers... look at what is shown daily to our children in every form of "entertainment"... look at our schools, our government, our police force, our society...

We have to take a step back and renew our own minds. Try to look past all of these things and start small if you can.

Try just for today to see the good in one person.
Try just for today to help someone you know (or don't know) in whatever small way you can without expecting any reward.
Try just for today to smile at a stranger.
Try just for today to do something at home which you have been procrastinating with.
Try just for today to thank the Lord for the good in your life.

...Then...

Try it all over again tomorrow.

For the person whom you have found the good in might have desperately needed someone to help them see the good in themselves...
The person who you have helped might have needed you to show him/her Christ for the first time...
The stranger you smiled at might have decided not to kill him-/herself (or someone else for that matter) after all...
The thing you completed at home might just make your spouses day and lighten the burden of your family...
Thanking the Lord might just tempt the Father to Bless you some more...

A child learns by what he sees... Lets stand together and teach our nation...

The only way to bring HOPE is to have HOPE and this is the secret of changing the world.